Shifting

Emotions can be tricky. They fuel my passion that instigates so many beautiful successes, but they are the same ones that turn my thoughts inside out and sideways and make me believe I'm failing.

I thought I had interpreted the audition correctly, as a loss. But indeed it was not. Now, after four months working with the San Luis Obispo Symphony, and almost complete of my fourth concert with them, I can't help but feel so satisfied. I feel so happy, so accomplished. It's empowering.

I feel as though I am one step closer to not having regret of not accomplishing anything at the end of my life. I have a beautiful family, a loving son and dedicated husband, a beautiful place to live, kind friends, and I have my two orchestras: slo chamber orchestra and slo symphony!

Then I think, when we move I will need to drop it all, and begin again. I need to view it as another chance to meet more wonderful people and experience beautiful music and adventure with my family in another beautiful place. Lord, remind my emotions please!!

The notes in a piece carry a familiar tune each time they transition to another part of the music: a different place, a slight variation, but still the same tune. I will bring my tune wherever I go and not lose the adventure and the passion.

The Aftermath

The audition happened. That's about all that happened. Nothing stood out as exceptional. Nothing was so horrible that I cringed. What is worst is not really knowing. Or maybe I do know and I don't want to think it, the way you avoid looking at a sink full of dirty dishes. "We'll call you if someone gets sick or leaves." It's nothing here or there. I went home after a half hour.

All of this makes my heart wander. I get passionate, but then feel let down (and inevitably this happens as it does for anyone trying to be great at something), and this is the point where my spirit crumbles. Where do I get that strength that people quote about: Michael Jordan cut from basketball teams and the like? How does a person get beyond disappointment or failure to reach their potential? Or, on the converse, how do you know when to stop if it's just not your thing?

Could anything be anyone's talent if they work hard enough?

Dynamics

What I'm playing: Praeludium and Allegro, Kreisler, Mozart duet for violin and viola, and Borodin string quartet

Who with: Myself, my teacher (Brynn Albanese), and my Quartet (Amy, Jack, and Bob)

What I'm focusing on: fixing my double stops (especially the thirds) and finishing my bow strokes gently

To many of us, music is more than notes spotting a page. But, as I listened to a recording of Praeludium and Allegro today, I was reminded of the people it portrays: the complications faced against resolution, strength in opposition to weakness, frustration and release; all of which compose a life. We are not without sadness and difficulty; how else would we recognize beauty? Are twists in life not beautiful in and of themselves? All of such are the dynamics incorporated into a life.